


Meanwhile, The Poor Babel fish

by Ewebie



Series: Tumblr Shorts [26]
Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Sherlock (TV)
Genre: But just think about what would happen if all of John's rage had to be PG?, Hashtag sorry not sorry, I don't know why I'm laughing so hard, Look... this is absurd., M/M, Pure Crack, Shamalama.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 19:24:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8634964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ewebie/pseuds/Ewebie
Summary: The Babel Fish is a small, leech-like, yellow fish, and by putting this into one's ear one can instantly understand anything said in any language; this is how Arthur Dent is able to comprehend the other beings he encounters on his travels. The Babel fish has led to significant and profound consequences for the Universe; apart from the philosophical implications, the Babel fish has started more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation, because it has removed all barriers to communication.
I know I should apologise for this insanity, but I'm laughing way too hard.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jamlockk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamlockk/gifts).



> “What did you do, Sherlock?”

“Why do you assume this, in anyway, is related to anything I may or may not, allegedly, have done?”

John crossed his arms and scowled. “I know how much you hate repetition. So let me ask this just one more time. What did you _fudging_ do?!” John snapped his mouth shut as a horrified expression twisted across his face.

Sherlock’s eyes went wide.

“I _swear to Christmas, blooming heck_?!” John barked.

The corner of Sherlock’s mouth twitched. “John…”

“ _Flipping heck!_ ” John hollered and immediately clamped a palm across his own mouth.

Sherlock snorted.

“No,” John growled, removing his hand to gesture angrily. “You don’t get to laugh at me, Sherlock. You _weewee_!”

Sherlock couldn’t hold back the deep rumbling chuckle.

“ _GOOD GRAVY_!” John fumed, his shoulders heaving with his temper.

“Not that your expletives lack creativity, but have you noticed how often you cuss?”

“You _tater sauce_.”

“John,” Sherlock surged off of the kitchen chair with an undue amount of grace and thrust a tablet at John. “Read it.”

John’s mouth drew into a tight line as he tilted his head. “Sherlock.”

“It’s perfectly harmless.” He held it up, blocking John’s line of sight to anything else. “Just read it.”

“Where did you even get this?” John muttered, snatching it from Sherlock’s hand. “You have about seven laptops that you forgo in favor of mine and yet you up and buy the new… iPad? What even is this?”

“Read.” Sherlock watched John’s face as he scanned the text.

_The Babel fish is small, yellow, leech-like, and probably the oddest thing in the Universe. It feeds on brainwave energy received not-_

John’s eyes snapped up, so he could glower over the rim of the tablet “Are you having me on?”

Sherlock sighed. “Read it.”

_It feeds on brainwave energy received not from its own carrier, but from those around it. It absorbs all unconscious mental frequencies from this brainwave energy to nourish itself with. It then excretes into the mind of its carrier a telepathic matrix formed by combining the conscious thought frequencies with nerve signals picked up from the speech centres of the brain which has supplied them._

“That… That’s not… Physiologically…”

“John.”

He pressed his eyes shut for a moment and shook his head. “You are a complete _passerine bird_.”

“Read.”

_The practical upshot of all this is that if you stick a Babel fish in your ear you can instantly understand anything said to you in any form of language. The speech patterns you actually hear decode the brainwave matrix which has been fed into your mind by your Babel fish._

John blinked.

_If you stick a Babel fish in your ear…_

“Sherlock…”

_In your ear…_

“Sherlock,” John lowered the tablet carefully and set it as delicately as possible on the kitchen table. “For the love of all that is holy. Please. PLEASE. Tell me you did not stick a fish in my ear.”

“I know how you feel about lying,” Sherlock said dismissively.

“SHERLOCK! WHY?!” John grimaced and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I know. I know you can, on occasion, be a complete _blankety-blank_ . But I know you wouldn’t stick a fish. In. My. _Blooming_. EAR!”

“Technically, it’s not a fish.”

John clenched his jaw and glared.

“It’s…” Sherlock waved his hand. “Leech-like.”

“Technically,” John muttered darkly.

“It has some incredible uses,” Sherlock continued to babble.

“Incredible, huh?” John grinned with more teeth than strictly necessary.

“Though… Instant communication may not…” Sherlock trailed off, finally noticing the dangerous expression on John’s face. He cleared his throat. “John…”

“Putting aside. For just one tiny, small, wee moment, that you stuck a _piddling_ leech-fish thing, in my ear. In my EAR, Sherlock! Why. Why on Earth is it BROKEN?!” John exploded.

Sherlock’s nose wrinkled in confusion. “It’s not broken. Why would you think it’s broken?”

John squared himself, settling into a tense upright posture. His chin dipped as his brows rose. “Why?” He pursed his lips. “ _Bum_.”

Sherlock frowned. “Have you noticed it only seems to struggle with your profanity?”

“ _Shamalama_.”

Sherlock’s face fell flat as he tried to hide the urge to chuckle.

“Suck my _dipstick_ , Sherlock!”

Sherlock snickered.

“It’s not funny, you _weenie_!”

Sherlock laughed.

“Oh, _bleep_ you!”

 

* * *

 

**[In case you want the untranslated version]**

 

“What did you do, Sherlock?”

“Why do you assume this, in anyway, is related to anything I may or may not, allegedly, have done?”

John crossed his arms and scowled. “I know how much you hate repetition. So let me ask this just one more time. What did you fucking do?!” John snapped his mouth shut as a horrified expression twisted across his face.

Sherlock’s eyes went wide.

“The sodding, bloody hell?!” John barked.

The corner of Sherlock’s mouth twitched. “John…”

“Fucking hell!” John hollered and immediately clamped a palm across his own mouth.

Sherlock snorted.

“No,” John growled, removing his hand to gesture angrily. “You don’t get to laugh at me, Sherlock. You wanker!”

Sherlock couldn’t hold back the deep rumbling chuckle.

“GODDAMMIT!” John fumed, his shoulders heaving with his temper.

“Not that your expletives lack creativity, but have you noticed how often you cuss?”

“You tosser.”

“John,” Sherlock surged off of the kitchen chair with an undue amount of grace and thrust a tablet at John. “Read it.”

John’s mouth drew into a tight line as he tilted his head. “Sherlock.”

“It’s perfectly harmless.” He held it up, blocking John’s line of sight to anything else. “Just read it.”

“Where did you even get this?” John muttered, snatching it from Sherlock’s hand. “You have about seven laptops that you forgo in favor of mine and yet you up and buy the new… iPad? What even is this?”

“Read.” Sherlock watched John’s face as he scanned the text.

_The Babel fish is small, yellow, leech-like, and probably the oddest thing in the Universe. It feeds on brainwave energy received not-_

John’s eyes snapped up, so he could glower over the rim of the tablet “Are you having me on?”

Sherlock sighed. “Read it.”

_It feeds on brainwave energy received not from its own carrier, but from those around it. It absorbs all unconscious mental frequencies from this brainwave energy to nourish itself with. It then excretes into the mind of its carrier a telepathic matrix formed by combining the conscious thought frequencies with nerve signals picked up from the speech centres of the brain which has supplied them._

“That… That’s not… Physiologically…”

“John.”

He pressed his eyes shut for a moment and shook his head. “You are a complete tit.”

“Read.”

_The practical upshot of all this is that if you stick a Babel fish in your ear you can instantly understand anything said to you in any form of language. The speech patterns you actually hear decode the brainwave matrix which has been fed into your mind by your Babel fish._

John blinked.

_If you stick a Babel fish in your ear…_

“Sherlock…”

_In your ear…_

“Sherlock,” John lowered the tablet carefully and set it as delicately as possible on the kitchen table. “For the love of all that is holy. Please. PLEASE. Tell me you did not stick a fish in my ear.”

“I know how you feel about lying,” Sherlock said dismissively.

“SHERLOCK! WHY?!” John grimaced and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I know. I know you can, on occasion, be a complete bellend. But I know you wouldn’t stick a fish. In. My. Bloody. EAR!”

“Technically, it’s not a fish.”

John clenched his jaw and glared.

“It’s…” Sherlock waved his hand. “Leech-like.”

“Technically,” John muttered darkly.

“It has some incredible uses,” Sherlock continued to babble.

“Incredible, huh?” John grinned with more teeth than strictly necessary.

“Though… Instant communication may not…” Sherlock trailed off, finally noticing the dangerous expression on John’s face. He cleared his throat. “John…”

“Putting aside. For just one tiny, small, wee moment, that you stuck a poxy leech-fish thing, in my ear. In my EAR, Sherlock! Why. Why on Earth is it BROKEN?!” John exploded.

Sherlock’s nose wrinkled in confusion. “It’s not broken. Why would you think it’s broken?”

John squared himself, settling into a tense upright posture. His chin dipped as his brows rose. “Why?” He pursed his lips. “Arse.”

Sherlock frowned.

“Twonk.”

Sherlock’s face fell flat as he tried to hide the urge to chuckle.

“Suck my cock, Sherlock!”

Sherlock snickered.

“It’s not funny, you plonker!”

Sherlock laughed.

“Oh, fuck you!”


End file.
